MAY/JUNE
2007
The Art and Science of Forgiveness
By Stephane Bensoussan
Patricia is still angry at her best friend, Ellen, for not showing up at her birthday party last year. She decided not to speak to her anymore, and feels resentful towards her. Patricia is holding on to this grudge as a way to punish her friend. What she has not realized is that the pain she is holding is causing her emotional suffering and that has somaticized into digestive problems. She recently has trouble digesting fatty foods and rich sauces.
Patricia wishes to heal her gastric problems and be able to eat whatever she wants again. In order for her physical recovery to be resolved, she needs to let go of the emotional pain she is holding onto. In doing so, she will release an emotional block which is maintaining the gastric problem.
Often, in the course of psychotherapy, many reversals of physical health problems occur via the healing of the emotional trauma. Essentially, the individual needs to come to terms with the hurtful event, and forgive the offender. Forgiveness is actually considered an essential component to any healing process.
To Forgive or not to Forgive…
Forgiveness is the conscious decision to free oneself of the emotional suffering that comes from holding a grudge of hostility, anger, resentment or guilt. In this way, the emotion of love and peace returns, allowing an optimal climate for healing to take place in the body. Naturally, forgiveness requires a process of being able to shift perceptions, let go of our mental judgements and see the greater truth of who we and others are. This process creates compassion for oneself and others.
For many, holding on to anger or resentment is a way to feel more in control, more powerful. Yet in fact, these emotions mask feelings of hurt, helplessness, disappointment insecurity or fear. Being stuck in anger is actually disempowering. The truth is that the anger doesn’t hurt the offender quite nearly as much as the person hanging on to it.
There is a common fear that by forgiving an offender we are condoning their negative, hurtful behaviour. However, forgiveness is not about forgetting the wrongdoing, nor is it about pretending that everything is fine when it isn’t. When we forgive someone, we do not have to verbally communicate with that person. Forgiving is a personal experience of releasing emotional suffering and changing one’s perceptions.
Love vs. Fear
“Today I will see all anger (insensitivity, irritability, hostility, stupid behavior, etc) as a call for acknowledgement, respect, help and love.” - Robin Casarjian, 1992.
Forgiveness is then a decision based on self-love to see beyond the outward expression of the offender’s hurtful gesture. It is a decision to see beyond a person’s words or actions. This implies that we understand that someone who is acting like a ‘jerk’ or insensitively is actually reacting out of fear. Although this may not be evident, the offender is actually calling for attention, acknowledgement and love. Simply put, people are either coming from an energy of love (openness, acceptance, support, respect, non-judgement) or from an energy of fear (resistance, judgement, control, disrespect, constriction). If one is acting from fear- that is expressing any negative emotion- they are actually requiring love to return to a balanced state.
Author Jerry Jampolsky claims that “forgiveness is a choice to see the light instead of the lampshade”.
Here are some steps that can guide you in your practice of forgiveness:
1. Identify the event or situation that you want to explore in terms of forgiveness. What happened? When? Where?
2. Close your eyes. Visualize this event in your mind in as much detail as possible. Identify the feeling or emotions that arise (anger, hurt, disappointment, etc.) Notice if you feel any physical sensations of the event in your body. You may notice pain, tension, restriction, etc...
3. Now you have a decision to make. Do you want to forgive the person? Why? Why not think about why you may be resisting. Explore the reasons that you may be keeping the emotions inside you. Are there some positive reasons, what can you learn from this situation?
4. Attempt to be compassionate and understanding towards the other person. Why did the person hurt you? Put yourself in their shoes. What did this person need; what led this person to this behaviour (past events, past relationships, childhood problems)?
5. The act of forgiveness comes next. It is a very personal act and can be done privately without the knowledge or participation of the other person. It helps to see the person as an innocent and wounded child. Close your eyes and visualize yourself face to face with the person as a child and feel feelings of compassion, love and understanding towards the person. Feel a connection at the level of the heart center. Tell the person that you understand what they did and why they did it. Tell them that you forgive them for their actions, and that you choose to release the emotional pain from that experience. Hug them and then release them.
6. While keeping your eyes closed, return your attention back to your body. As you think again about the original painful incident or person, notice if the physical manifestations have dispersed or are still in your body. If you have truly forgiven, you will feel lightness, warmth, and openness. You have released an emotional pain and there is now more room for love. Feel yourself opening to the love within.
7. If you haven’t noticed enough of a shift, then perhaps you are still attached to the pain. Go back to step 3 and explore the reasons why you may be resisting this process.
8. When you are truly ready try again by repeating the steps above. If you need help, consult a holistic psychologist.
© 2007. Stephane Bensoussan, B.Sc., M.A., Holistic Psychologist, Author
Stephane is a holistic psychologist and professional speaker. Stephane’s mission is to liberate your human potential by giving you the tools necessary in order to enable you to take charge of your health and life. Using a mind-body-spirit approach, he specializes in helping people with stress-related health conditions, sports psychology and team leadership Stephane currently runs a private practice out of Kirkland, Quebec. www.psysante.com; Tel : (514) 695-5560
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