valentines chocolate

Written by: Sexologist, Dr. Stephen de Wit DHS, MPH, ACS
Therapist – Consultant – Speaker

So here we are at the end of February the month of love, laughter and hopefully great sex…………. and for many of us there was something missing in the sex department. So what can you do? As a sexologist and a sex therapist what I see is most common source of many sexual challenges is a lack of trust. Trust is a fundamental component to great sex after all our greatest desire is to be loved and accepted and our greatest fear is to be judged and rejected. How can build trust with our partner? Two things to start off with, firstly, in a relationship there are two people to build trust with, yourself first and then your partner. Secondly, to go to work on building the “Triad of Trust” which is Honesty, Respect and Safety. Below are steps that you can take to build trust within yourself and with your partner:

With Yourself:


Be Honest with yourself. What is really going on? What do you really want? What is working? What isn’t working?


Respect yourself value your needs and wants. You deserve a great sex life and your voice needs to be heard. Keeping quite is not doing anyone any favours and certainly not doing anything for your sex life.


Although safer sex is very important, what about your emotional a psychological safety. Are those needs being met. What are your boundaries?

With Your Partner:


Start talking! Have a voice, find your voice, create a voice. Share what you want to create. If you don’t say anything your sex life will begin to decline.


Respect the fact that your partner may not be on the same page, listen to them and ask to be listened too.


What do you need to fell safe and secure in your relationship?

Building trust is a vital factor in establishing the ability to relax, connect and be present with your partner. You may have some hesitation in how to have these conversations or even how to start them. One key element is starting with what is working, what you like, what you appreciate. Then ask them what they like. Next share what you want to work on or the area you want to grow in. And ask them about the areas that they want to work on together. Working through the Triad of Trust first for yourself will make the conversation naturally flow easier because you know what is important for you.

Interested in learning more? Attend Stephen’s “Recharge, Reignite and Re-imagine Your Sex Life course on Saturday March 17th, 2018 at the canfitpro Academy. For full details and to register, click here.


Stephen de Wit holds a Master of Public Health and a Doctorate of Human Sexuality and as a sexuality educator, speaker and media personality, Stephen is committed to transforming the way people think and communicate about sex so they can experience the joy, pleasure, power and vulnerability of what it is to be human. Stephen is also the author of the cutting edge book “The Sexual Freedom System: Winning the Inner Game of Sex”. He is a master at creating a fun, safe, comfortable environment for people to take an honest look at their sex lives and transform what is not working.